ONCE UPON A STAR

Every evening, as I drive myself back home from work, I take the highway. Because that’s where the prettiest sunsets lie. Because that’s where I see my aai and baba. They paint me a new sky every day. Some days they’re auburn, some days they’re winter blues, some days they’re hues of pink and purple. But to me, everyday is an assurance from them. My grandparents always said this one phrase to me. “Bai tu amche ekte chali” In Konkani, this translates to “You are our only daughter.” An incomplete phrase that I had yet to complete with the ambition they set within me. It seems rather minuscule when I say the phrase “set me up for greatness” but that’s where my perception lies. Rather than holding me back  from ‘what could be’, they always let me mold every experience into what made me “me”  

I often asked myself why I gave everything in life a meaning. Was it the ambition I lacked? Were my dreams just not impactful enough? Was my purpose not enough of a purpose? But really the answer was that simple - Because it made me happy. Because if I hadn't, I would have never had the chance to paint on the canvas my grandparents set out for me. Because if I hadn’t I wouldn’t have realized just how much I want to make them proud. It made my ambitions all the more bigger. The impact, all the more greater. The purpose, all the more stronger. 

I want to tell you a story. About them. About me. About us. About them molding me into who I am today.  

Baba was a Doctor. Aai was a Nurse. But they were much more. They were husband and wife, they were doting parents and grandparents. Siblings to some, Friends to most but Family to everyone. Most of all, they were good people. They were good people who raised great people. 

My mom, Gauri, always taught me to hold on to every positive, despite the overshadowing negatives. She proved to me that a smile holds so much power as to be a contagious reaction. My aunt, Gayatri, instilled the go getter mindset within me. She never told me there wasn't anything I couldn’t do. As a young girl, she always narrated the phrase “I can do it and I will do it”. That phrase in my later years spoke volumes and continues to do so. My eldest brother, Ishan, altered my entire mindset on building connections with the people around me. He taught me to embrace my own individuality. My younger brother, Mrugank taught me the importance of obedience and respect. If there was anything he wished to pursue, there was no stopping him. He worked hard towards his aspirations. Once he put his mind to something, it wasn't just a dream anymore, it was an expectation awaiting to become reality. My younger brother Ved, always had a smile on his face when you saw him. He carried himself in such a manner that would make me seem like the younger one. His discipline towards his passion, and dedication towards his academics is something I have always admired. My youngest brother, Raajveer, really taught me the most. He brought me so much warmth, that no matter what I felt in that moment, it was all gone with one hug. As his older sister, I should be fulfilling that role, but really, he always did it better. We were always a team growing up. He accompanied me no matter where I wished to go. He never complained. He comforted me through the worst of times and supported me through every setback or ambition that came along. Aai and Baba held so much warmth within them that it was only natural it resonated around the people they raised. They instilled this warmth in each and every one of us. A legacy comes in numerous forms. Some encapsulate education. Some encapsulate wealth. Some encapsulate fame. But the one that Aai and Baba wrote, encapsulated the gift of giving and the kindness that came along with it. 

                                    “The conversation I never had”

“Aai and Baba,

It’s been a year since you both left. A lot has happened since then.

I worked in the ER for a few months hoping I would feel closer to you both. I witnessed my first patient loss the first day of my shift. I grew numb to the losses after the first few. I had my first glimpse of what life would look like 10 years from now.

I started a website that was inspired by the both of you to spread the realm of beautiful thinking. I named it “Eunoia.” It makes me very happy knowing that there are people out there who consider it a safe space.

I started showing my face more often in pictures now. I don’t shy away as much as I used to. I grew to be a little more confident. 

I have yet to learn how to cook. I wish I did take the time to learn how to make the sheera you always made for me. 

I work at a clinic now. I am very excited to be exposed to a new specialty of medicine. The people I work with are great and I enjoy my job. The more I learn about medicine, the more I want to pursue it.

I am studying to take my MCAT soon. I am really nervous about it. I am constantly scared of failure and letting you both down. I hope that it goes well.

I still don't feel ready enough to go back to Goa just yet. It feels weird not seeing you both every 6 months like I used to. I'm just scared that It’ll take me a few steps back. As much as I want to go see everyone, I’m still a little hesitant. I keep wondering what it would be like entering a home that doesn’t feel like a home without you both.

I’ve been smiling a lot more since we last saw each other. It took a little bit of time but I am happy I got it back. Thank you for healing a heart you never broke. 

I love and miss you both more than anything in this world. The place where you both are is a place that’s always bright. Hope that you both are always smiling. 

Until next time this year.

Love, Bai”

For 20 years, I was simply their “only daughter” , but today and years from now I am their only daughter - who would fulfill the one ambition they always hoped to see me achieve - A white coat. Baba was a Doctor. Aai was a Nurse. But together, they were life’s greatest blessing.